Tuesday, June 14, 2011

~My Little Life Break & Why, Handi-capable??~

Good morning my crafty friends!! :)

I know I know it's been a couple days, I am so blessed to have
emails asking about how I am and where I am.
To be perfectly honest this week has been a difficult one.

I had to take a couple days to just breathe.
I baked cookies, bread, and muffins, I cried alot....
sort of mourning the loss of my mobility, something I had not
done before.

As some of you know we purchased a wheelchair a few weeks ago
so I am able to join my family on outings, as I can no longer walk
or stand for more than 5 minutes at a time.
Here is my pretty red "new car" haha
I was ok with it in front of strangers and no one really noticed,
but then I had to attend a couple ball games in my chair.
It was very stressful and I did not expect the overwhelming concern.
I forget that not everyone knows my story and history of being abused.

For me it's an every day hill to climb, but I forget it is not
branded on my forehead. The concern was very sweet but
very overwhelming. I found myself feeling ashamed and guilty.

Not only the guilt of having my husband push me around, but the guilt
of not being able to get up and play with my boys, and do what all
the other "normal" moms do.

As I said before...sort of mourn the loss of my mobility and
take time to digest it all.

You know in dealing with my abuse there were many days
of flashbacks and pain, I sort of learned that if I gave myself time
to grieve a little then in the long run I am able to cope with it a little better.

I feel as if I am no good to anyone right now (yes I am still in that stage)
That I am not worthy of friends because they will have to "tend" to me.
At 35 I am a nuisance and it brings back many memories of my
childhood and being a bother to everyone, not worthy of
love and friendship or parents.
I think that is why it's been so very hard to deal with.

Yes my head says it's not true, but my feelings still creep in.
So forgive my absence and I am working on crafts in my room
while I try to get my head together...slowly but surely.
I will get to the point where I feel "Handi-capable" and I know
I am not as bad off as so many...but it doesn't make it easier.
I think you would feel the same way....if it happened to you.

So I share my story and the raw truth....because I am an open book
pain, happiness and everything in between...

And this is why my blog is...
"One Crafty Chick & Her REAL LIFE"
because REAL LIFE creeps in...and steals the show some days.
Much love to you, thanks for listening.



ChristyR said...

Hugs Cristal!

Ziggyeor said...

Aww Pinky big hugs to you! Don't ever feel that you're not worthy of friends. Your friends love you no matter what!

Kray said...

You are so worthy and valuable to all of us! don't ever forget it. It's ok to lean on others and let them help you. You have helped so many people these past years

Michelle said...

Awww... Cristal I am sorry you feel that way. It is not true. You are not a burden and are very worthy of friends and people to love and care for you. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to lose your mobility. I am so very sorry. Big hugs!

Reilly / Bree said...

Strength - it is what I think of when I think of Pinky. You prove every day that you are capable - of loving and being loved, of being a friend and giving friendship, of letting you inner artist out - that is all strength. And most importantly of sharing you pain, hurts and frustrations and well as your joy happiness and successes. Just take the time to do what YOU need to do to feel like how YOU want to feel again and know that we who care will be waiting for our Pinky to return when she is ready - hugs

richardbreaks said...

Love and Hugs to you, Girlfriend. We're here for you!!

Jocelyn said...

Hang in there sweet friend.....We love and adore and you are Strong!!!!


Kim said...

Just to let you know you are not defined by the chair! You are loved by an Awesome God and Family and Friends! All of us who follow you here in the blog world love what you create and the fun! My thoughts and Prayers are with you:):)



Jamie Lane [Cripps] said...

I think as a part of your healing your should make the "new car" your own...you know add some bling...and a hook to hold your purse! :)

I am glad you are taking the time you need, it is so important. BIG HUGS to you!

Carla Rae said...

Big Hugs Cristal! Some days are worse than others ..I have been there in those dark trenches before too..but becuase you are a strong , beautiful, smart and super crafty Chica you will come through it! Take all the tim you need and remember we will all be hear awaiting your arrival! xo

Drayia said...

Sending you hugs and all our love Pinky. You are one amazing chicky with so much to offer and share. We all follow you for you and love to read and share you life too. You have done so much to raise awareness and helping others to get out or just suport by sharing your story. It takes one amazingly strong woman to live the life you did and develop into the great wife, mother, friend and inspiration that you are. Take time for yourself and we will all be here to help you along your incredible path!

Chelle said...

Hugs...You are an amazing woman and I bet you will have the most blinged out wheels around. ((HUGS))

Dot said...

Thanks for sharing your story with us. Never be ashamed of anything!!!!! Don't let anyone make you feel that way! If they do, then they are not worthy of your friendship. You are a wonderful person, with so many talents! There are alot of things that you can do with your boys in your chair. You just need to be creative and think of them! Sending many hugs your way!

SueNJ said...

Thanks for being so open and honest. You are an amazingly talented woman and share that with all of us. SOmetimes the best things are produced from the times we are struggling. I figured out I could write song lyrics . Keep your chin high as you are a SURVIVOR :)

Happy Scrappin'

Sue B

PS - Hawaii changed my life at 19 and I pray to go back again some day :)

Kelly Sas said...

I had a feeling you were in a bad place. I know because I have been through it myself. I was fortunate though that my medical/physical chronic disorder and pain started at 40 years old and when my youngest was at college. I always said I was thankful my kids were grown so I know how emotional you feel about not being the on the go mom you think all the other kids have. It took me to hit emotional rock bottom to get help. I was an RN. I though I know it all and I should be able to deal with this on my own. I couldn't and not until I opened up and got help did I find medical and emotional help. Pinky, keep talking and awknowledging your emotional toil. It helps you and as you know others. Feelings are real and they are ok as long as we deal with them and grow. It is when we hide them we become debilitated by them. We out here in blog world love you and your wonderful creative self! You are an amazing mom, artist, wife and have a very generous spirit. Hugs and love being sent your way.

Anonymous said...

I have been a lurker on your site for a while ... LOVE your spirit and fun craziness.
Do not feel like a burden ... I do think I understand why you feel this way (as Mom's we have to give it our all, right???? ) I can tell from the smiles on your kids' faces that YOU ALREADY DO GIVE IT YOUR ALL.
You know, I am linking a blog here that you might like ... she is a crafty crafter too ... carrying around a lot of pain. Browse her blog ... some of insights are so ... well, insightful. lol...

{VICKI} said...

I'll say a prayer for you today

Dawnll said...

My Pink friend- don't ever feel you are less then anyone else. Your a very giving person and it shows each and every day, through your friends, children, and your creations.
Just think how many you have inspired by telling your story and being open.
Your children won't remember that you couldn't run and throw a ball- but how special you made them feel, the everyday things you do to mold them into the wonderful boys they are becoming.
Sending big hugs and lots of prayers for strength.
blessings to you, Dawn ll

deb famularo said...

Miss Pinky,
I must have missed what has happened to you as I'm reading this with much concern. I just have to tell you that you did not survive what you did for not. All of that you are now going to take with you - on this different journey - your strength, your fight, your passion, and most of all, all of OUR love for you...and girl, with all of that, you can get through anything life throws at you. ....and if this is the time your friends can step in and help you, my God, let them. For all you do for everyone else, it's time to come full circle and hit ya back! You are amazing for always sharing your story, be it happy or sad - one trait that I always tell you I admire! You will be in my prayers dear friend. Much love your way, deb

Kimberli said...

((((hugs)))) You're in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this tough time!

ShoppingTamii said...

I just want to let you know that you are an inspiration to me!

Flamenco92627/Julieta said...

Sending you ((HUGS)) and prayers!! I don't know, you seem pretty spunky to me and although you are transitioning, you are already doing it with strength and bravery. You are PINKY! Hear you roar, girl.

Raven said...


Your "new car" needs a Pinky make-over! I see it spray painted hot pink, with zebra printed seat and back cover with a blinged out name or monogram on the back...You may have a disability, but it does not have you!


mommaidwf said...

You will overcome this! You are a very strong and beautiful woman, and you have a wonderful family who loves you just as you are. I will keep you in my prayers.

AJoy said...

Don't let your "new car" define who you are! We know a very loving, beautiful person...this is who you are!

God Bless!

Frank Garcia said...

You are so inspirational Pinky, I send you hugs, you are an awesome gal and never feel like you are not worth because you really are. I as a gay male have gone through a lot, and maybe not as much as you have, but I have learned that keeping your friends close and loving yourself is the best medicine in life, keep your head up girl because you are beautiful and strong!

~Suzy~ said...

It breaks my heart to think that someone didn't love you as much as you certainly deserved. God doesn't make trash...thanks for all the beauty you share, despite ugly reality. I'm sure your kids love you just the way you are!

Kim. said...

Aw Pinky I know exactly how you feel. I had my accident (which was no fault of my own, just in the wrong place at the wrong time) 9 years ago now when my youngest was 7, I had two twins at 12 and another of 11. They have watched me go through several surgeries firstly walking and then with the last in 2008 came out partially paralysed. Those kids have taken it all in their stride and it doesn't faze them at all but I cannot do the same. I still feel an inconvenience to people and unworthy of lots of things and I don't know that I will ever get over that but I know you are a far stronger person than I because you have had to fight throughout your life so you will make it. I have the love of a good husband and all my children and they are what keeps me going when times are tough. My one thing to be most thankful for is that it could so easily of been my then 12 year old daughter but I stepped onto the escalator before her that day and for that I will always be truly grateful.
I know you will be back once you have found peace so take your time and always remember we really are all worthy.
Kim xXx
Kim xXx

Tona said...

Keep reminding yourself that those who care for you, & there are MANY, will never find you a burden. Being a great mom is not about mobility as you know. Your boys are so lucky to have a wonderful mom like you. Hang in there! You are treasured by more people then you can ever imagine.
Sending hugs your way.

Kim M said...

(((HUGS))),don't let circumstances get you down, you are surrounded by a family that loves you very much and it doesn't matter what mode of transportation you have to use, you are still you and everyone loves you very much.

Colleen said...

Hugs and prayers to you. Please remember you are not defined by how mobile you are, or as I tell my youngest, beauty starts from the inside and works it's way out. You are a beautiful person all the way through.

deedoodle said...

Great cards and chin up your a great person!

Lindy said...

Pinky....I had no idea. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Just remember you are not a burden, the smiles your boys always have mean they are happy and you are a GOOD person. You are such an inspiration to me and everyone. You are wonderful in everything you do. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Brenda said...

OMGOSH Pinky this REALLY hit home with me....I am sitting here crying...you have been through sooo much.
I too might have to get me a pretty "new car" as I am having issues walking was told last summer I might loose my leg due to my circulation problems...I laid in bed for months feeling sorry for my self and crying every day...not getting dressed for days at a time.....then I thought hey I can still craft I can still enjoy life....lost my dream job at Jo'anns that was sooo hard for me I tried my best that last day to "do It" I could only walk for 45 min and in sooo much pain.
You are such an inspiration to sooo many of us.

kbkbks2 said...

Pinky I too feel a kind of sister hood with you since getting hit by a drunk driver in 1999, i have had 8 surgeries, tons of therapy, daily pain and many hours in my wheelchair... You sometimes feel guilty to have to be pushed but my grandkids ride with me at timea and i really need it for extended standing or walking,, i can do short grocery trips buit have to hold cart. You can tell all your friends love you and us blog/scrapper friends do too, by the way why isnt those new wheels bedazzled yet? I need to see some pink on there.. your kiddos are lucky to have ya,,kelly ohio

melody said...

please know you're in my heart and prayers ~ HUGZ