Thursday, April 18, 2013

~Too Fat To Be Photographed??!!~

Good morning my craft friends, 
I thought I would stray of the crafty course this morning and post
about something near and dear to my heart....
being a plus sized mom/woman and maintaining self esteem. 

I really am not sure it's completely possible! LOL
However after reading this article yesterday

I decided I REALLY have to change my view on myself.
I have struggled for YEARS to overcome the fact that I am not a worthless
piece of shit and I am in fact not what my dad always called me "A retard" 
or what I grew up with my mom calling me "A fat whore".
Or what bullies call me "Attention whore" 


I think maybe 50 photos were taken out of 6000 on vacation that were actually
me and 49 of them I think I looked like Shrek. 
It's funny, I made a commitment 10 years ago when my son was
born to STOP thinking of myself as a piece of shit loser who nobody
would ever want. After an entire childhood of being abused then 
 several years as an adult of being beaten and abused. 
My entire goal in life was to stop the feeling that I was a nobody. 
It didn't matter what my weight was, it didn't matter what I looked like
it just mattered that I was the BEST person I could be and the best mom 
I could be, and give my best to the community around me. 
I felt like if I accomplished that it would help me to see I was didn't deserve to be beaten
and abused all my life, I was in fact a worthwhile human being who deserved love
and happiness and a life with a family. 
At the end of the day I was right-I am a decent person who deserves to be loved.
I am not a piece of garbage. I am a good mom and I do contribute good to others lives. 

BUT the one thing that has not changed is seeing myself as UGLY.
Growing up being told you are an ugly whore, fat (at size 8) stupid, retarded, 
disgusting, gross, no one will ever love you, "I don't love you", I have never loved you.
It takes a tremendous toll on your psyche. I don't even know if it is repairable.

Even ten years of being myself and focusing on the positive
apparently can't fix feeling UGLY and ashamed.  
SO today I post these photos, in hopes to remind myself of the wonderful
family and friends I have and how that double chin I don't see in the mirror
is ONLY a camera angle and nobody cares because in fact, they see
that moment I took their daughter to the dock, the moment I laughed with friend,
 the day I touched someone's life who mattered to me. 
The day I began stalking Jenny Lawson- blessing her with my presence!
The day we all laughed so hard I peed. 
My kids don't care if I am not "Skinny" according to American Standards,
my husband doesn't care if I am "FAT" my friends don't care
if I have tattoos and pink hair....so why can't I be in the photo once in a
while and be proud?!

I guess my lightbulb moments have happened in the last
2 weeks when my friend Lori asked why I wasn't in any photos,
then I read this amazing article. SO what if I am the fattest one in my group??
It doesn't mean anything!!....I am still ME, AND I know I never see the weight in my
friends photos, or their flaws because they are amazing humans...and I love them

and you know what...SO AM I!!

Thanks for letting me share my heart with you today. 
I think I am going to hug a friend today and tell her she is beautiful...
how about you??
Photobucket

17 comments:

jennyplace2 said...

I think I had better go read that article. I have the same problem with be overweight. Hubby takes pictures of me but I usually delete them. I am glad you posted this and yes you are a beautiful women.
Hugs Jenny

Dorothy said...

I have been following you for quite a while. I love your attitude, you art and everything else. You should be very proud of who you are. I know I'm proud of you and I don't even know you!
Loved your blog post!!
Take care,
Dorothy

Colleen said...

Looks like I also need to read that article. I have very few pictures of me and even fewer have made it into my girls scrapbooks. My dad also used to tell me that I was fat and forced me to diet all of the time during junior and high school years. Looking back on pictures of myself then, I wasn't even close to being overweight but already had that perception and of course it has only gotten worse as I have gained that weight now. Thanks for being an inspiration.

bradshaw meadows said...

I love this post today. Thank you for your honesty. You say what many of us also feel. You are beautiful in every way. I love the pics of you with you kids, holding hands. Those are precious moments. Embrace those. peace and hugs to you for your honesty
k

JennyKozar said...

If I could reach out and hug you I would. Why oh Why does our past control our futures so much??? I struggle with many of these things myself - insecurities of unworthiness. Thanks for posting this and HUGE internet hugs you beautiful lady you!

Maria said...

I haven't read the article yet but I will but I want you to know you inspired me. I feel the same way when I look in mirror. I wasn't abused from family nut was abused from guys I dated until I meet my wonderful husband. I'm not sure if I can stop thinking i will never be skinny and i'm ugly. It's so hard to. I don't have friends because they don't want to be around me. So I stay away because they always end up hurting me so you are very lucky to find great friends. Thank you for sharing your story it made me cry, feel good at the same time because I can feel your hurt and your cry to love your self the way you are. Love the hair color

JoAnn P said...

I've always liked your pink hair. I wish I could go pink but it does not look good with my skin tone.

Jen said...

I love you Cristal...you are such an inspiration! I have struggled with body image issues my whole life and always hate having my picture taken because I feel too ugly and fat. Thanks for the push to have more pictures of myself. You rock girlie!

Dana Lea said...

You look wonderful and I love your pink hair! I am also overweight and my own sons gripe about their not being any pictures of mom with them around the house. Unfortunately, we can be our worst enemy, even thought you had a lot in the past. The sin is on them. Enjoy your wonderful family while they are still young. This time will fly by before your know it!

Ziggyeor said...

You look gorgeous in all of your pictures. Though I can see a few where you tried to hide behind other people, sneaky things people do. It reminds me of a Christmas picture with a pillow that my Aunt held up when she realized we were about to get a picture with her in it! Never hide yourself, you are beautiful and we want to remember you :)
And thank you too for reminding me that I look good in a bikini and getting me out of that yellow tankini that I had :D

Tina Connolly said...

I would love to be brave enough to dye my hair pink! Love your new outlook on life!

Jenrex4 said...

Thank you. After my 7 month old died I realized I only had a few pictures of me and her. I am over weight and have scares and marks on my face from stress acne. I am going to make a concice effort to have more pictures with me in them.

Pinky Hobbs said...

That's a very good point Jen- so sorry for your loss, what a sadness. I think back to how few photos I have with my children too.

Pinky Hobbs said...

Thanks Dorothy you are just precious!

Pinky Hobbs said...

Thanks Maria you are just too sweet!

Pinky Hobbs said...

Thank you everyone for the amazing supportive comments. I hear so much hate on who I am daily, it's nice to see past the hate and feel the love.
It's taxing to have people degrade you and tell you, what a horrible fat bitch you are so much, I have to remember to look past the haters and see the goodness!! :)

Michelle said...

Thank YOU for sharing Pinky...I too struggle with these same issues.