Tuesday, May 22, 2012

~Faith No More- Inner Struggles Layout

Good morning my friends, 
You know when I began scrapbooking I broke all the rules and scrapbooked
my inner most thoughts and feelings, I scrapbooked about my life
as it really was, not what everyone thought it should be. 
My pain, my thoughts, my fears. The struggles I have faced being abused
and trying to recover from child abuse, rape and so much more. 
I have not done it in quite a while due to obligations and being more at
peace and feeling more healed than I ever have been...but we have struggled this year quite
a bit, and in true Pinky form the only way for me to cope is with my 
scrapbook therapy.
I apologize if this layout offends anyone, it is not meant to offend but to be therapeutic 
and help me cope and work through my person struggles.
Life is full of struggles and I am sure I am not the only
to face this struggle, so I appreciate your understanding and
being gentle with your words as this is a hard time in my life.
Journaling on photo:
I never have doubted my faith, not in times of abuse and pain, not those nights in the hospital wondering if I would be able to escape my husband alive. 
Not even in those days of abuse in my childhood. 
Now that I am nearing 40 as I thought my faith was strong
and unshakeable I have finally found those doubts. 
We trusted a family who seemed like the perfect Christian family, they seemed
truly dedicated to faith and helping bring others to faith. 
I took them at face value, believing they were faithful and servants of God. 
As we became closer it became very clear that it was all lies. 
I thought we would join as forces to strengthen our faith while instead we were just pawns to make them “feel” like they could fool yet another family with their false faith and perfect family. 
I understand not wanting to air your dirty laundry but lying day after day to so many while pretending to be a teacher of God’s word was overwhelming to me and I feel like a complete fool and how was I so blind? I bought the entire story. 
We even thought it was just a mis-step in faith and we could help them, but it was clear they had no desire to change only the desire to keep on fooling people into thinking they had great faith and solid values. 
While they pretended to be full of faith and love, there was drug abuse, infidelity, porn addiction and so
much  more. Teaching God’s word one evening and getting high the same night. And all the time covering it all up with lies and more lies pretending to be faithful Christians. 
When it all came apart it and we saw them clearly it made me really think....most the Christians I have met from childhood on...they have all been like these people. 
Pretending to be Christians while lying and decieving others into thinking they are good people. 
In fact for 30+ years I have seen nothing but this, people interested in the “facade” of being good then actually working on their true faith and being a a strong representation of the Bible.
It has made me realize that I no longer know if there really are people of true “faith” out there.
I grew up in churches where my family pretended to be a faithful family of God, 
then went home to abuse their children. I don’t know why I was so naive to think that this was
abnormal because clearly it is the “normal” and I have been living in baseless hope for sometime.
So  now I stand at the crossroad, realizing that in fact maybe what I have believed my entire life is false and it’s more likely that faith does not exist and it is just a big charade to cover up being a drug user, or having control when you feel none. 
So I stand at the crossroads looking both ways...wondering if it’s worth believing anymore. 
I question if I should let yet another incident shake my faith but I have no choice but to really look both 
ways and decide for myself which path I will choose. 

I think it's really easy to stand from anywhere else and say 
"Just have faith" or see it simply but sometimes it's not so easy when it 
comes to your front door. 
This is not my life's decision but simply a therapeutic way to 
deal with the stress and emotion, so don't freak out on me LOL :)
Not saying everyone is like this, just saying that the people
I have dealt with over the years the ones that seem most faithful
and dedicated are like this, and I am not sure I have much hope anymore.



Tracy Jensen said...

What I will say on this publicly is that this is a beautifully done page and I think what you wrote to be perfect. I have seen your scrapbooking evolve over the years and you are truly so talented. I am so proud of the artist you are. Everything else I want to say is private. So I'll send you a note. :)

Katie Bolinger said...

It's a beautiful page about an ugly subject. I am sure that not all people who attend church services are drug users and child abusers. I pray that you will not loose your faith in God because of the actions of his so called followers.
I am so happy to see that I am not the only person who scraps the crap, who uses this hobby as a form of therapy.

Michele's Scrapy Creations said...

your page is so beautiful from the heart! I always want to scrap soem things that is ugly as well bc i want my daughter to know that we all have things that happen we have no control over but how we overcome is teh key in surviving.. Thank you for sharing your story with me. HUGS!

Drayia said...

Beautifully done Pinky and hitting a very hard subject head on. I will say this, people are human and make mistakes, God is well our Heavenly Father. Trust and Faith in Him are never misplaced, its trusting in our fellow man that tends to hurt us. Hugs Pinky I am sure you will come throught this hard phase stronger then ever for you are a survivour.

Christa said...

YOu are so very brave Pinky. I enjoyed your design and am glad you have this outlet.

{VICKI} said...


Lara said...

I so admire you for being so open about your struggles. You remind me of King David, hiding in caves from a mad king who wanted him dead. All i can tell you is that some people of faith are good people, I grew up in one. I work every day with people who are borken and devastated, and I too have my doubts. I feel like this kind of scrapbooking is so much better than therapy. I am so sorry you have been let down yet again. I believe in you (even though I only know you from this blog) and know you will figure everything out. Best wishes!

Carol said...

I am so sorry for this painful life lesson. Someone said it perfect, as humans we are imperfect. Only God is perfect. I too hope that you find your way back to a comfortable spot with the God of YOUR understanding. Hugs.

Dot said...

I"m so sorry to hear about what happened, both now and in the past. However, do not lose faith no matter what! There are people out there who would walk with you and help to build your faith, you just need to find the right people. (I may live far away but there are computers) Don't let those otheres shake your faith. Faith is really all there is;without it I don't know where I'd be.

Dawn's Craft Place said...

Glad to see you sharing the good ,bad, and ugly no matter what. I am proud of you sweetie
Great layout

Kray said...

Beautiful layout and glad you are able to express your feelings freely.
I was raised in a strong Christian home. I have seen strong Christians and I have seen hypocrites. But, for the most part Christians are good people. Unfortunately the hypocrites give them a bad name. I had some tough times and seeked help from fellow Christians. For the most part they were there for me and there were some who were not and I became discouraged. However, I was able to stay focused on GOD. This is where we make our mistakes, we let others influence our faith or lack of faith and lose focus. I hope that you will be able to focus more on GOD and not the hypocrites. Hugs to you and I hope that you don't lose faith...please try to focus on God and not the imperfections of people.

kellystar said...

always appreciate hearing you tell it like it is...don't stop

Ziggyeor said...

I love you Pinky. I wish you could find people who were not fake and end up hurting you. I hope you continue to have Faith in God and in other people but still be cautious and not be deceived and hurt again.

Nanabells said...

I love the layout. I am sorry that you were subjected to these people. I wish you could come here and meet my church friends - They are such wonderful people and wonderful Christians with a strong faith. I am with them not just on Sundays, but at other functions and gatherings, and in their homes, and I know that they are not covering up anything bad. Oh, I know we are all sinners, and nobody is perfect, because God gave us the gift of making choices, and our choices are not always good. But you hang in there and know that for every bad "Christian" there are so many who are really good people and try to live a life that Christ emulated. As always, thanks for sharing your talents as well as your real self. Blessings!!

JennyKozar said...

Just want you to know I read this and I respect your outlet. I pray you do not let someone take your faith away from you.

Kelly Sas said...

This (un)christian behavior was explained to me once like this: The devil doesn't want or need unbelievers. He wants followers of Christ - just like he once was. If he can get just one believer in Jesus to fall away, they in turn will take others with them (or shake the faith of others). So, the devil works hard at getting Christians. Maybe these so called "good christians" once were or maybe they never were, but what now is truly clear is that they are now causing others to question their faith, turn others away from Christianity or strengthen their unbelief. Please don't let them do this to you. Pinky, you now right from wrong - you have experienced it!

Lisa P said...

You have created such an honest page about something that unfortunately many people have dealt with. I am a Christian and I hope that my life truly represents what that is supposed to mean. I am not perfect, I have many flaws... I just hope that I can show true character and reflect Jesus as I work through those flaws. I am a perfectionist and for years I tried to put on the perfect facade because I was so afraid to let others see the flawed yet real me. God has done some amazing things inside of me to show me that by hiding behind a fake self I am not helping to spread the true love of Christ to others and am not truly letting my purpose He has for me shine. I now mentor a group of young moms and I can say that I have found that the more open I am and the more honest I am with them about the struggles and imperfections, the more they can let go and share their hurts and needs as well. This is how the love of Christ shines and how we meet the needs of each other. I am sorry for your struggles and for the picture of Christianity that has been displayed to you. I want you to know that God is real and there is not one of us who is perfect no matter how hard we try or how much we want to hide it. We all have real struggles and it is when we are true and honest with each other that we can truly understand and learn who Jesus is. But, the picture and hurts you have faced are not the real image of Christ. There are real Christians out there, there is a Jesus who is really love, faith in Christ is not a waste of time and I am praying that God can bring someone to you that can be that true picture of Jesus you are longing for. hang in there! If you want to you can email me. I would love to pursue conversation or friendship with you.