Good morning my craft friends,
I thought I would stray of the crafty course this morning and post
about something near and dear to my heart....
being a plus sized mom/woman and maintaining self esteem.
I really am not sure it's completely possible! LOL
However after reading this article yesterday
I decided I REALLY have to change my view on myself.
I have struggled for YEARS to overcome the fact that I am not a worthless
piece of shit and I am in fact not what my dad always called me "A retard"
or what I grew up with my mom calling me "A fat whore".
Or what bullies call me "Attention whore"
I think maybe 50 photos were taken out of 6000 on vacation that were actually
me and 49 of them I think I looked like Shrek.
It's funny, I made a commitment 10 years ago when my son was
born to STOP thinking of myself as a piece of shit loser who nobody
would ever want. After an entire childhood of being abused then
several years as an adult of being beaten and abused.
My entire goal in life was to stop the feeling that I was a nobody.
It didn't matter what my weight was, it didn't matter what I looked like
it just mattered that I was the BEST person I could be and the best mom
I could be, and give my best to the community around me.
I felt like if I accomplished that it would help me to see I was didn't deserve to be beaten
and abused all my life, I was in fact a worthwhile human being who deserved love
and happiness and a life with a family.
At the end of the day I was right-I am a decent person who deserves to be loved.
I am not a piece of garbage. I am a good mom and I do contribute good to others lives.
BUT the one thing that has not changed is seeing myself as UGLY.
Growing up being told you are an ugly whore, fat (at size 8) stupid, retarded,
disgusting, gross, no one will ever love you, "I don't love you", I have never loved you.
It takes a tremendous toll on your psyche. I don't even know if it is repairable.
Even ten years of being myself and focusing on the positive
apparently can't fix feeling UGLY and ashamed.
SO today I post these photos, in hopes to remind myself of the wonderful
family and friends I have and how that double chin I don't see in the mirror
is ONLY a camera angle and nobody cares because in fact, they see
that moment I took their daughter to the dock, the moment I laughed with friend,
the day I touched someone's life who mattered to me.
The day I began stalking Jenny Lawson- blessing her with my presence!
The day we all laughed so hard I peed.
My kids don't care if I am not "Skinny" according to American Standards,
my husband doesn't care if I am "FAT" my friends don't care
if I have tattoos and pink hair....so why can't I be in the photo once in a
while and be proud?!
I guess my lightbulb moments have happened in the last
2 weeks when my friend Lori asked why I wasn't in any photos,
then I read this amazing article. SO what if I am the fattest one in my group??
It doesn't mean anything!!....I am still ME, AND I know I never see the weight in my
friends photos, or their flaws because they are amazing humans...and I love them
and you know what...SO AM I!!
Thanks for letting me share my heart with you today.
I think I am going to hug a friend today and tell her she is beautiful...
how about you??
