Good morning my friends,
You know when I began scrapbooking I broke all the rules and scrapbooked
my inner most thoughts and feelings, I scrapbooked about my life
as it really was, not what everyone thought it should be.
My pain, my thoughts, my fears. The struggles I have faced being abused
and trying to recover from child abuse, rape and so much more.
I have not done it in quite a while due to obligations and being more at
peace and feeling more healed than I ever have been...but we have struggled this year quite
a bit, and in true Pinky form the only way for me to cope is with my
scrapbook therapy.
I apologize if this layout offends anyone, it is not meant to offend but to be therapeutic
and help me cope and work through my person struggles.
Life is full of struggles and I am sure I am not the only
to face this struggle, so I appreciate your understanding and
being gentle with your words as this is a hard time in my life.
I never have doubted my faith, not in times of abuse and pain, not those nights in the hospital wondering if I would be able to escape my husband alive.
Not even in those days of abuse in my childhood.
Now that I am nearing 40 as I thought my faith was strong
and unshakeable I have finally found those doubts.
We trusted a family who seemed like the perfect Christian family, they seemed
truly dedicated to faith and helping bring others to faith.
I took them at face value, believing they were faithful and servants of God.
As we became closer it became very clear that it was all lies.
I thought we would join as forces to strengthen our faith while instead we were just pawns to make them “feel” like they could fool yet another family with their false faith and perfect family.
I understand not wanting to air your dirty laundry but lying day after day to so many while pretending to be a teacher of God’s word was overwhelming to me and I feel like a complete fool and how was I so blind? I bought the entire story.
We even thought it was just a mis-step in faith and we could help them, but it was clear they had no desire to change only the desire to keep on fooling people into thinking they had great faith and solid values.
While they pretended to be full of faith and love, there was drug abuse, infidelity, porn addiction and so
much more. Teaching God’s word one evening and getting high the same night. And all the time covering it all up with lies and more lies pretending to be faithful Christians.
When it all came apart it and we saw them clearly it made me really think....most the Christians I have met from childhood on...they have all been like these people.
Pretending to be Christians while lying and decieving others into thinking they are good people.
In fact for 30+ years I have seen nothing but this, people interested in the “facade” of being good then actually working on their true faith and being a a strong representation of the Bible.
It has made me realize that I no longer know if there really are people of true “faith” out there.
I grew up in churches where my family pretended to be a faithful family of God,
then went home to abuse their children. I don’t know why I was so naive to think that this was
abnormal because clearly it is the “normal” and I have been living in baseless hope for sometime.
So now I stand at the crossroad, realizing that in fact maybe what I have believed my entire life is false and it’s more likely that faith does not exist and it is just a big charade to cover up being a drug user, or having control when you feel none.
So I stand at the crossroads looking both ways...wondering if it’s worth believing anymore.
I question if I should let yet another incident shake my faith but I have no choice but to really look both
ways and decide for myself which path I will choose.
I think it's really easy to stand from anywhere else and say
"Just have faith" or see it simply but sometimes it's not so easy when it
comes to your front door.
This is not my life's decision but simply a therapeutic way to
deal with the stress and emotion, so don't freak out on me LOL :)
Not saying everyone is like this, just saying that the people
I have dealt with over the years the ones that seem most faithful
and dedicated are like this, and I am not sure I have much hope anymore.
I have dealt with over the years the ones that seem most faithful
and dedicated are like this, and I am not sure I have much hope anymore.
